It’s truly amazing how much God loves His little children.
Take me for example:
In all honesty, going for the church camp was just a chance to go for a holiday, survive the message and discussion sessions and have fun (which is hard not to do with Amanda as my roommate). This is pretty much the mindset I have for every church camp. This time however, God had plans for me.
Disclaimer: At this point of the post, I think its going to be a pretty long entry. It also contains some rather personal sharings. Possibly, it might be one of the most wordy, emotional and honest post you’ll get in a long while.
Back to our usual programming…
I’ve pretty much been a christian all my life. My parents are christian and brought both my brother and I to church since we were born. There was never the feeling of persecution or difficulty going. In fact, as time went on, especially during the teenage years, actually wanting to go (and by this I mean, whole-heartedly wanting to go to church) became rare. When you saw me in church, it was more because of routine and for my parents’ sake (and of course, so that they wouldn’t nag). My parents, being the nice people they are, didn’t force me to carry on going to YF either and I finally stopped when they stopped asking me about it. Don’t even bother to ask me about QT. I can’t even remember when was the last time I did it faithfully and regularly.
This year’s camp theme was “Complete in Christ” with our speaker being Mr. Kenneth Wong (yes, I know, he shares the same name as my brother, but spare it, it’s such an old joke).
Interestingly, as sleepy and tired as I was, a lot of what Kenneth Wong shared left as impact on me. Many questions about how I have been living started whizzing through my half-dead brain.
To me,
Being complete in Christ means my identity is in Him. And this means chasing after him instead of the material things of this world which will die, fade away and be forgotten.
Being complete in Christ means communion with God. And this means knowing Him through the daily reading of His word, praying with thanksgiving and being still before His presence.
Being complete in Christ means serving Christ as our master. And this means we have to get our relationship with Him and those on earth right.
Being complete in Christ means having union with Him. And this means keeping my body clean and pure for Him as He is blameless, sinless and pure.
Sadly, the truth is I cannot answer an affirmative and confident YES to any of the above.
I have been chasing after things of this world.
I have not been spending time with my Heavenly Father daily.
I have been impatient and compromising in the relationships I have.
So what do I do now?
It’s scary just thinking about it, even before typing it down because I know the changes I have to make.
And we all know that change is difficult, requires lots of perseverance and necessary strength from God to make it. Perhaps, a little pain, tears and adjustments thrown in as well.
As difficult as the road ahead is going to be, immediate or otherwise, seems, I don’t think there’s anymore time for me to be in the state I’m in.
I’m reminded of the kid’s song “Life Without Jesus is like a Donut”. I remember hearing it once when I was a really young girl from the Donut Man video series and it has been stuck in my head all these years. Never would I imagine that all these while, God was reminding me of how empty I really am, because as and when, this song would always pop up in my head.
It’s true isn’t it. A donut is sweet, with pretty coloured toppings, frosting and other yummy stuff. It also looks perfect, round, soft and smells oh-so-good. But thats just the outside. Inside, it’s hollow, empty. Worst, it’s actually imperfect with a hole being cut out.
Now I have to find that cut-out.
When Benny led “Be Thou My Vision”, I teared. For those who don’t know, its a hymn:
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
For the hymn-writer, Christ is his vision, thought, light, wisdom, dwelling place, weapon, dignity, shelter, treasure, ruler over all.
Pretty much everything in life yes? All aspects of His life, what he needs, he finds in all in Him.
I don’t even think I can claim half as much as what the writer so confidently declared.
There’s no way I can change anything that happened in the past. But the only way is in His direction for the future.
Pray for me won’t you?
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can’t deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart
-jarsofclay
just listen to me mew 